One Life. My new way of thinking.

Thanksgiving

Its almost 1:00am and I'm still awake. Today was another emotional day. I'm a people person. I love to be around others and when its a holiday I want to be around friends and family even more. I have regrets for not sharing my past holidays with more people I love around me. I don't want to do that anymore. For Christmas I'm going to make sure I spend time with the people I miss the most. You never know how long you have with your loved ones. No one should have to pick one over the others.

I don't want to live anymore ignoring my own needs for others.

Weathering the Storm

Today's weather sums up my feelings for the day. Its overcast, windy and rainy at times. I find myself drifting in and out of the past and what I thought my future would look like by now. The change in wind speed and then all of a sudden it rains, makes me believe I'm where I need to be. The onset of sadness and then the thoughts of what I want for my future go back and forth.

I sit in my car, in my driveway just listening to the high quality of sound that moves me. It causes me release all the pain I struggle to let go of each day. One song after the next.  One of my best investments was installing my car stereo system. It has saved me from myself so many times.

My days are unpredictable. Tomorrow it could be cold, the music could be loud. I no longer will live with expectations or assumptions of what the weather may be or what music might bleed through my speakers. I don't have all the answers, I just know this is where I am right now.

My heart is broken. I'm disappointed, disappointed in myself, and disappointed in the false reality I had for my future.  But just like the weather and the music, it will all pass. I will weather this storm, I will survive, and I will find a new song to anthem my emotions for the next day. 

 I will.... just be.

The road not taken

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;       

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,       

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.       

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.       
By Robert Frost

This poem has been with me since I was a child, elementary school to be exact. We as a class all took a line, memorized it and spoke it to an audience of our friends and family at our six grade graduation. I have looked back at this poem so many times in my life. Today more then ever this poem still holds truth for me.

My life has not been easy. I don't live in a land of excuses or of being a victim. I feel as if I'm trying to pick the right path and sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. I'm not sure what will come of me but I do have hope that the path I'm choosing now is the right one.

I will survive. I will make mistakes. I will pick myself up and move forward because there will always be a decision or path to choose. I hope for myself that I will never get lost again. As having to choose a path, my path, has never been easy or come without great sadness.