Letting go of control

The title really says it all. I've struggled with this topic my whole life. To many I'm sure I seem so in control, and for the most part I am. What would my life look like if I didn't have to be in control? That is a question I'm not sure I'd know what that would feel or look like.

For as long as I can remember I've been in control. I've had to do everything and learn from everything. I never thought I could have what I truly wanted without being in control. What is control really about? Why does one control things?

For me I feel like I was taught this behavior. Take control so you make sure you get what you need done and have it done the right way. What a horrible way to live and think. I don't want control anymore. I've worked really hard on just being in the moment, doing what feels good to me and not doing what's normal anymore. This will take much more time to overcome. So far it's made my life alot easier and relaxing. I'm looking forward to the unknown future. Let's all get out of control together!!

With time there comes growth

I sit here tonight under the help of a very close friend who tells me I need to rest.... Those who really know me, know I don't sit still. Not because I don't want to its just because I like doing. Its been a few years since I've blogged but I think its time I do it again. My life has changed, I have changed.

I'm now 41. I own a home, and have a beautiful daughter who's amazing. I have a great job that offers me opportunities to grow, learn, and relax a bit. I recently graduated with my Bachelor's Degree which had been a goal of mine to complete. I have amazing friends, a family that truly supports me and only wants the best for me. Life is different now then it has been. Just as busy as its ever been.

I feel more centered now. I am more independent and strong. Its taken a while for me to get to this place. Lots of hard work, sleepless nights, and fears faced head on. I don't always feel so centered but I now have the tools I need to help myself when that does happen. I am proud of myself. I did it. I continue to do it. Its not easy and I'm not perfect but I now know that's okay too.

Life has definitely changed me, and I wouldn't change my life. This is the journey I was chosen to live and if my life continues how it has I know it will continue to be an amazing one. I look forward to blogging more. I have more to give and more to grow.

The struggle

When I get the chance to hug you I feel at peace. For a brief moment I want to forget what has happened and start over. I wish we were capable of making it work. I know I'm supposed to be strong, hold no grudges and move on. You've hurt me. I've never expressed that to you longer than an argument. I know that's what you're supposed to do, but I want to hate you, then I hug you and I'm so torn inside.

I knew since the moment I met you I loved you. I wish you were able to fight for me. I wish you were able to fight for yourself. It's sad to watch us fall apart but I can't hold is all together. I am learning to let you go but some days are harder than others.

"Heart Wants What It Wants"

You got me sippin' on something
I can't compare to nothing
I've ever known, I'm hoping
That after this fever I'll survive
I know I'm acting a bit crazy
Strung out, a little bit hazy
Hand over heart, I'm praying
That I'm gonna make it out alive

The bed's getting cold and you're not here
The future that we hold is so unclear
But I'm not alive until you call
And I'll bet the odds against it all
Save your advice 'cause I won't hear
You might be right but I don't care
There's a million reasons why I should give you up
But the heart wants what it wants

You got me scattered in pieces
Shining like stars and screaming
Lightening me up like Venus
But then you disappear and make me wait
And every second's like torture
Hell over trip, no more so
Finding a way to let go
Baby baby no I can't escape

The bed's getting cold and you're not here
The future that we hold is so unclear
But I'm not alive until you call
And I'll bet the odds against it all
Save your advice 'cause I won't hear
You might be right but I don't care
There's a million reasons why I should give you up
But the heart wants what it wants (x4)

This is a modern fairytale
No happy endings
No wind in our sails
But I can't imagine a life without
Breathless moments
Breaking me down down down

The bed's getting cold and you're not here
The future that we hold is so unclear
But I'm not alive until you call
And I'll bet the odds against it all
Save your advice 'cause I won't hear
You might be right but I don't care
There's a million reasons why I should give you up
But the heart wants what it wants (x4)

The heart wants what it wants baby

"The Sun Is Rising"

When life has cut too deep and left you hurting
The future you had hoped for is now burning
And the dreams you held so tight lost their meaning
And you don't know if you'll ever find the healing

You're gonna make it
You're gonna make it
And the night can only last for so long

Whatever you're facing
If your heart is breaking
There's a promise for the ones who just hold on
Lift up your eyes and see
The sun is rising

The sun is rising

Every high and every low you're gonna go through
You don't have to be afraid I am with you
In the moments you're so weak you feel like stopping
Let the hope you have light the road you're walking

You're gonna make it
You're gonna make it
The night can only last for so long

Whatever you're facing
If your heart is breaking
There's a promise for the ones who just hold on
Lift up your eyes and see
The sun is rising

Even when you can't imagine how
How you're ever gonna find your way out
Even when you're drowning in your doubt
Just look beyond the clouds

Just look beyond the clouds

Whatever you're facing
If your heart is breaking
There's a promise for the ones who just hold on
Lift up your eyes and see
The sun is rising

The sun is rising

Even when you can't imagine how
How you're ever gonna find your way out
Even when you're drowning in your doubt
Just look beyond the clouds

Beautiful Disaster

                                                                  "Beautiful Disaster"

She loves her momma's lemonade
Hates the sounds that goodbyes make
She prays one day she'll find someone to need her
She swears that there's no difference between the lies and compliments
It's all the same if everybody leaves her

And every magazine tells her she's not good enough
The pictures that she sees makes her cry

She would change everything, everything, just ask her
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home

She's giving boys what they want
Tries to act so nonchalant
Afraid to see that she's lost her direction
She never stays the same for long
Assuming that she'll get it wrong
Perfect only in her imperfection

She's not a drama queen
She doesn't wanna feel this way
Only 17 and tired, yeah

She would change everything for happy ever after
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home

She's just the way she is
But no one's told her that's OK

She would change everything, everything, just ask her
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster

She would change everything for happy ever after
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home
She just needs someone to take her home

Being Brave

“Laugh, even when you feel too sick or too worn out or tired.
Smile, even when you're trying not to cry and the tears are blurring your vision.
Sing, even when people stare at you and tell you your voice is crappy.
Trust, even when your heart begs you not to.
Twirl, even when your mind makes no sense of what you see.
Frolick, even when you are made fun of. 
Kiss, even when others are watching. 
Sleep, even when you're afraid of what the dreams might bring.
Run, even when it feels like you can't run any more.
And, always, remember, even when the memories pinch your heart. Because the pain of all your experience is what makes you the person you are now. And without your experience---you are an empty page, a blank notebook, a missing lyric. What makes you brave is your willingness to live through your terrible life and hold your head up high the next day. So don't live life in fear. Because you are stronger now, after all the crap has happened, than you ever were back before it started.”
― Alysha Speer